I had a rather interest conversation with a colleague today.
That in itself is good news as far as I’m concerned - I observe interactions at my workplace, watching my supervisor and my equals banter, sending the former into booming laughter, wondering if, and when, I might get a chance to invoke a similar reaction. This is once place where the language barrier manifests itself clearly. Although I am C1-qualified, knowing the basics of grammar and sentence structure and barely able to express yourself is a deficit that does not make up for being born into the language and being able to decipher the fast, fluent language of my supervisor. It is a very Indian tendency to smile and nod, even if (and especially when) one didn’t really understand what was said. I am luckily self-aware enough to realize this, but not before I actually do it. That instantly creates a sense of awkwardness in my head. I would very much like to ask to repeat what had been said, but since I already smiled and nodded, it would be rather stupid to do so.
The problem with the colleague was luckily not one of fluency or speed, but one of quiet speech. And I was luckily attentive enough to catch what was being asked. Lab 1113 being very quiet (inhabited at that time by three people - the colleage, another GEM employee and myself) helped, but barely.
The conversation started with me being asked a question about my working hours. I’d been wanting to have this conversation for a while, since I hadn’t really been able to keep up with the 16 hours that were contractually required of me. Very rarely did I get the chance to talk to my colleagues, mostly because our working hours are never aligned, or we are too busy with our respective tasks, which require some concentration since they are not boring desk jobs. I seemed to get the impression that I was not the only student struggling to stay on the clock, so to speak, between living, studying, working, and occasionally devoting time to my treasured hobby.
“Do you know what you want to do in the future?”
I was rather stumped. I’ve been asked this question multiple times before, but every time it is asked, I am forced to think about my present situation, be it financial, physical, or mental, and calculate an appropriate response.
“I don’t know…” always sums it up.
“I don’t think I’d want to stay in research, I’d like to work at a large company with some vertical development. There’s a lot of work to do here, as you can see, and I don’t want to feel stuck.”
“I’m not sure. I’m hoping to continue here since I like the work, I don’t think I’d like to study further…”
The events of this year have made me think hard. I was once singled out by my basics of electrical measurement professor and given some advice about possibly pursuing a master’s degree (or at least, that’s how I interpreted what he said). It was once of three instances that week that a master’s had been mentioned. I was rather firm about not wanting to study, going as far as to say that I would drop out at the first chance I got. Luckily, HsH has been very pleasant and I actually seem to enjoy studying there and like the coursework and labs. But putting myself through more studying is not appealing. What is, however, is being able to enjoy subsidized everything, from meals at the cafeteria to a D-Ticket, among others.
I am currently under the impression that people working in finance or management (CAs, enterpreneurs, managers, etc.) somehow seem to have more money than us science and engineering types in a way that seems disproportional, and quite annoyingly, unfair. My mother comes from a pure science background, and my father from an engineering and IT one. While our lifestyle could be considered upper-middle class, it seems to me that we are barely managing it. Compared to other ‘north Chennai’ relatives, however, we are just very average. No chance at paying for a US grad school, no SUV, no vacations. Although the vacations might be because somebody at home is a homebody, and someone else is following those footsteps.
I do firmly want to stick to science and engineering, since R&D seems to be what I’m destined to do. I sense a quiet life in a decent apartment or house, with a quiet family (I have been, along with my mother, described as ‘quiet’). What I don’t see is somehow having access to enough money to buy an SUV (not that I want to) or go on a world tour (that I do). Financial literacy can be learned, but I don’t know if that touch that comes with working in finance can be gained the same way.
Theoretically, I could just sit there and watch my peers roll in cash from investments in the market or crypto or AI or whatever it is. And I certainly could do the same, but I am putting it off with excuses like ‘Where is the money coming from?’ or ‘Someone has to do the work instead of me to keep the economy going’. The money will come in, but it seems rather morally dubious to just sit there watching charts rise and fall, while pocketing the difference.
Another possibility is ending up like that one uncle who works a nice software developer job (once again, it’s not like I’d want to do that), but the hours seem to be long, and even on vacation, he seems to end up being stressed out, even nodding off thrice when he visited me and we were all just talking.
Wherever the path goes (it’s a warm, fuzzy feeling to pretend in a pre-written destiny), I think the only way forward is to constantly outdo oneself, and I don’t know if I am or if I can keep doing so.